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https://archive.org/details/packetforpopsyfaOOsimm 


A  PACKET 
FOR  POPSY 


A  Farce=comedy  in  One  Act 

BY 

EVELYN  SIMMS 


PHILADELPHIA 
THE  PENN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 
1905 


Copyright  H>05  by  The  Penn  Publishing  Compa 


A  Packet  for  Popsy 


A  Packet  for  Popsy 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS 

Gilbert  Stevenson,  -  w/io  is  not  so  bad  as  he' s  painted, 
James  Ashley,  -  -  a  merry  fugitive  from  justice. 
Barker,       -      very  English,  but  representijig  the  majesty 

of  American  law, 

Mrs.  Heckford,     -      mother-in-law,  widow,  and  fiancee. 


COSTUMES 

Gilbert.    Well  dressed, — any  costume  suitable  for  after- 
noon. 

<'  James.  {At first  entrance,^  Well  dressed,  afternoon  cos- 
-  tume,  hat,  gloves  and  cane.  (^As  a  woman.)  Handsome 
^  afternoon  dress,  or  tea-gown,  with  blonde  wig.  A  quick 
i  change  will  be  necessary. 

^     Barker.    Policeman's  uniform,  and  helmet. 

Mrs.  Heckford.    Dressed  well,  but  rather  fussily.  She 
:r  should  appear  about  fifty,  but  dressed  too  young  for  her  age. 
Street  costume  and  large  hat,  with  flowers. 

^        Time  of  Playing: — About  Fifty-five  Minutes. 


3 


i 

A  Packet  for  Popsy 


SCENE — Gilbert's  study,  furnished  appropriately,  corner 
cupboard  l.,  at  the  back,  writing-desk  r.  Door  back, 
and  door  L. 

(Gilbert,  standing  near  c,  yawns  and  stretches  himself.^ 

Gilbert.  How  on  earth  am  I  to  spend  the  rest  of  this 
confoundedly  long  afternoon?  I've  read  till  I'm  tired, 
slept  till  I'm  tired,  and  worked  at  that  wretched  magazine 
article  till  I'm  tired  !  Wish  Alice  was  at  home.  I  de- 
clare, I've  half  a  mind  to  go  and  see  if  there's  anything  on 
at  the  club   Hallo  ! 

(Sounds  of  great  commotion  outside.    Enter  James,  hatlessy 
breathless,  excited.^ 

James  (panting^.  I  say,  old  chap,  I'm  in  the  dickens  of 
a  hole  ! 

(amazed).    Why,  Jim  !    What — on — earth? 

James.  For  goodness'  sake,  help  me  !  I've  only  got  the 
start  of  him  by  five  minutes  or  so. 

Gilbert.    The  start  of  him  ?    Of  whom  ? 

James.    The  policeman.    He's  after  me  ! 

Gilbert.  The  policeman  ?  My  dear  boy,  you're  rav- 
ing. 

James  (rushing  to  door  c,  which  he  shuts,  and  back  again 
in  an  agitated  manner),  I'm  not.  Never  felt  saner  in  my 
life.  But  he's  after  me,  I  tell  you.  For  heaven's  sake,  lend 
me  a  change  of  rig  ! 

Gilbert.  I  will,  with  pleasure,  if  you'll  only  explain 
yourself.  Don't  look  so  agitated.  Sit  down  and  take  it 
easy. 

James.    Take  it  easy  with  that  fellow  at  my  heels  ?  He'll 

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A   PACKET   FOR  POPSY 


have  me  up  for  pocket-picking  if  he  catches  me.  (Gilbert 
starts?)  Surprised,  aren't  you?  (^Laughs?)  John  Petley 
dared  me  to  do  it.  We  both  mistook  the  old  gentleman  for 
my  Uncle  Henry,  and  I  only  discovered  my  error  as  he  dis- 
covered my  intentions.  He  was  a  hot-tempered  old  chap, 
and  he  yelled  for  the  police.  So,  as  I  didn't  know  liim 
from  Adam,  and  couldn't  very  well  explain  at  the  moment, 
I  bolted,  and  the  cop  bolted  too,  after  me  !  When  your 
house  hove  in  sight,  1  made  a  dash  for  it,  and  here  I  am  ! 

Gilbert  {laughing  heartily).  I  say,  Jem,  that's  the  best 
I've  heard  for  a  long  time  ! 

James.  But  my  dear  Gilbert,  you  don't  seem  to  realize 
that  the  fellow's  after  me,  and  if  he  catches  me  I  shall  be 
locked  up  for  stealing.  Look  here  !  {Holds  out  small 
white  packet.) 

Gilbert.    You  never  took  that  out  of  his  pocket ! 

James.  I  did.  It  was  before  I  found  out  my  mistake, 
and  I  never  realized  that  I  still  had  it  till  I  began  running. 
The  old  chap  will  be  in  a  state  when  he  misses  it. 
(^Laughs.)    How  do  you  think  it's  addressed  ? 

Gilbert.  I  don't  know.  How  ?  {^Holds  out  hand  for 
packet. ) 

James.  To  my  precious  little  Popsy."  He  looked  old 
enough  to  have  a  little  sense  about  such  things,  but  one  can 
never  tell.  Wonder  who  his  little  Popsy  is.  {^Thundering 
knock  from  outside.)  There,  I  thought  so  !  For  heaven's 
sake,  lend  me  some  clothes  !  And  hide  that  packet !  It 
may  not  be  a  very  easy  matter  to  clear  myself  if  I'm  caught. 

Gilbert  {opening  door,  l.).  Into  the  spare  room,  then. 
You  know  the  way.  The  wardrobe  is  full  of  things,  and 
you  can  borrow  what  you  like.  {Exit  James  hastily. 
Gilbert  shuts  door  after  him.)  Now  for  some  fun  I  I'm 
deuced  glad  I  stayed  at  home,  by  Jove  ! 

{Knock  at  door  c.    Gilbert  slips  packet  into  writing-table 
drawer.    Enter  policeman  Barker.  ) 

Barker.  Good-afternoon,  Mr.  Stevenson.  Sorry  to  dis- 
turb you,  sir,  but  I'm  on  the  track  of  a  pickpocket,  and  I 
*ave  reason  to  believe  as  'e's  took  refuge  in  this  'ouse. 

Gilbert  {astonished).    A  pickpocket?    In  my  house? 

Barker.  Yes,  sir.  And  if  you'll  excuse  me,  sir,  I'd 
like  to  look  over  the  'ouse  to  make  sure.  Them  street 
thieves  'as  to  be  punished,  sir,  and  the  only  way  to  punish 


A   PACKET   FOR  POPSY 


7 


'em  is  to  catch  'em,  and  the  only  way  to  catch  'em  is  to 
look  for  'em.  So  with  your  permission,  Mr.  Stevenson,  I'll 
just  walk  through  the  'ouse.     {Looks  round  room.) 

Gilbert.  Oh,  by  all  means.  He  may  be  helping  him- 
self to  some  of  my  possessions  for  all  I  know.  Perhaps  I'd 
better  come  with  you. 

Barker.    No  necessity,  sir.    I  shall  do  it  quickest  alone. 

Gilbert.  Very  well.  But  there  is  a  friend  of  mine 
occupying  the  spare  room — the  second  door  on  the  left  up- 
stairs.   It  will  not  be  necessary  to  search  there,  I  suppose  ? 

Barker.  I  won't  disturb  no  one,  sir.  There'll  be  no 
occasion  to  alarm  your  friend,  nor  your  wife,  sir,  for  that 
matter.  And  if  you've  no  objection,  sir,  I'll  go  up  at 
once. 

Gilbert.  Oh,  certainly.  The  sooner  the  better.  {^Exit 
Barker,  c.)  Now  this  is  something  like  !  I  declare  I  feel 
deeply  grateful  to  Jem  for  creating  such  an  unusual  diver- 
sion. It's  so  confoundedly  dull  without  Alice.  I  might 
have  told  the  fellow  that  my  wife  is  away  from  home,  but 
after  all,  it  may  prevent  his  poking  about  too  much. 
(Sounds  of  commotion  outside.)  Hallo,  what's  up? 
{Walks  hastily  to  door  c  ,  ivhich  he  flings  open.  Enter 
Mrs.  Heckford  with  umbrella^  traveling  bag,  and  various 
parcels.    Aside.)    Great  guns  !    My  wife's  mother  ! 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Well,  I've  arrived  I  I  told  you  I 
should  give  you  a  little  surprise  one  of  these  days,  and  here 
lam.  I  propose  to  stay  for  a  month,  as  I  need  a  change  of 
air,  and  I  knew  that  my  dear  child  would  be  longing  to  see 
me  again.  {Sharply.)  Why  don't  you  say  you're  glad  to 
see  me  ? 

Gilbert  (confused),  I — I'm  delighted  !  But  it's  such 
a  surprise  ! 

Mrs.  Heckford.  H'm  !  I  must  say  your  looks  don't 
testify  to  your  delight.  That's  what  it  is  to  be  a  mother-in- 
law  !    Where's  Alice  ? 

Gilbert.  Why,  she's  visiting  some  friends  up  in  the 
state. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Well,  Gilbert, — I  do  think  you  might 
have  let  me  know  before  allowing  me  to  take  this  tedious 
journey  to  town.  I've  always  told  Alice  what  a  thought- 
less young  man  you  are. 

Gilbert.  But  I  had  no  idea  you  were  coming.  Alice 
said  she'd  write  and  tell  you  where  she  was,  but  even  she 


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never  thought  of  your  coming  to  town  now.  She  ij  going 
to  be  away  for  some  time.  (^Brightening.)  It  won't  be 
very  pleasant  for  you  here  without  her,  I'm  afraid. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Oh,  indeed  !  You  don't  mean  to 
make  it  pleasant  for  me,  don't  you  ?  That's  all  the  welcome 
I  get  from  my  own  son-in-law  !  That's  all  the  reward  I 
have  for  bestowing  my  only  child  upon  you  !  You  don't 
mean  to  make  it  pleasant  for  me  while  I'm  here,  eh  ?  Don't 
you,  indeed  ?  But  don't  imagine  that  that  is  going  to  turn 
me  from  my  own  daughter's  house.  No,  Gilbert!  I've 
come  to  stay,  and  stay  I  will.  (Sits  down.  Gilbert  looks 
at  her,  dismayed.^  My  trunk  is  in  the  hall.  I'he  cabman 
brought  it  in  for  me,  and  one  of  the  maids  can  take  it  up  to 
the  spare  room.  And  by  the  way,  why  weren't  the  maids 
waiting  in  the  hall  to  take  these  from  me  when  I  arrived  ? 
{^Drops  parcels,  etc.,  on  table.^ 

Gilbert.  They  didn't  know  you  were  coming.  Why 
didn't  you  ring  the  bell  ? 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Ring  the  bell?  So  that's  it,  is  it  ?  I 
am  not  even  to  be  allowed  to  enter  my  own  daughter's  house 
without  being  asked  why  I  didn't  ring  the  bell?  As  if  I 
were  a  tramp,  a  nobody,  a  mere  casual  acquaintance,  in- 
stead of  your  dear  wife's  own  mother  !  Fancy  you,  my  own 
son-in-law,  my  dear  daughter's  husband,  asking  me  why  I 
didn't  ring  the  bell  ! 

Gilbert.  But  dear  Mrs.  Heckford,  you  don't  under- 
stand.   I  only  meant  

Mrs.  Heckford.  Oh,  I  know  what  you  meant.  I  know 
too  well  indeed  !  And  don't  you  dear  Mrs.  Heckford  " 
me,  young  man,  if  you  please.  As  for  telling  me  I  don't 
understand  !  H'm  !  I've  never  had  my  intellect  ques- 
tioned before,  let  me  tell  you.  It  was  left  for  you,  it  seems, 
my  own  daughter's  husband,  to  tell  me  I  don't  understand. 
When  my  dear  husband  was  alive,  he  never  dared  to  tell  me 
I  didn't  understand.  No,  young  man,  he  knew  his  place 
too  well.  Don't  understand,  indeed  !  If  Alice  w^ere  at 
home,  she'd  never  allow  her  own  mother  to  be  insulted  like 
this. 

Gilbert.    I  wish  she  were  at  home  ! 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Of  course.  Trust  a  man  to  think  of 
his  own  selfish  wishes  before  his  wife's  pleasure.  Really, 
Gilbert  

Gilbert.    Well,  really,  Mrs.  Heckford  


A   PACKET   FOR  POPSY 


9 


{They  look  at  each  other ;  she  with  gi^eat  haughtiness,  he 
with  half -amused  resignation.) 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Pray  give  orders  at  once  for  my  trunk 
to  be  taken  to  the  spare  room. 

Gilbert.    Certainly.    I  shall  not  be  long.  {Exit.) 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Impertinent,  exasperating  thing  ! 
How  can  my  darling  child  wear  such  a  bright  face  when  she 
has  to  put  up  with  this  creature  ?  Dear,  brave,  unselfish 
girl  !  But  I  shall  teach  him  a  thing  or  two  before  she  comes 
home.  {Enter  Barker.  Mrs.  Heckford  rises  with 
dignity.)  Sir? 

Barker.  Beg  pardon,  ma'am.  I  understood  as  Mr. 
Stevenson  was  in  'ere. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  No,  he  is  not.  Pray  what  do  you 
want  with  Mr.  Stevenson,  I  should  like  to  know  ? 

Barker.  'E  knows  why  Pm  'ere,  ma'am.  A  man  as 
I'm  after  took  refuge  in  this  'ouse;  leastways  I  thought  'e 
did,  but  I  can't  find  'im.  'E's  give  me  the  slip  some'ow, 
'e  'as. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  And  you  actually  mean  to  tell  me  that 
you  have  been  searching  this  house  ? — you,  a  common 
policeman,  searching  a  gentleman's  house?  Well!!!  I 
am  surprised  ! 

Barker.  I  was  but  doin'  me  duty,  ma'am,  and  as  for 
being  a  common  policeman,  Pd  a  deal  ruther  be  a  police- 
man than  some  folks,  ma'am,  begging  your  pardon,  ma'am. 
A  man  'as  to  do  'is  duty  and  I  didn't  disturb  no  one.  Even 
Mrs.  Stevenson  

Mrs.  Heckford  {interrupting).    Mrs.  Stevenson  ? 

Barker.  Yes,  ma'am.  Mrs.  Stevenson  was  up-slairs, 
and  she  

Mrs.  Heckford  {interrupting,  a^id  with  agitation). 
You  need  say  no  more,  my  good  man.  I  can  scarcely  be- 
lieve what  you  tell  me,  and  yet  you  look  an  honest  sort  of 
person.  I  presume  you  are  speaking  the  truth.  But  your 
statement  concerns — several  persons.  It  has  thrown  an 
entirely  new  light  upon  the — the  situation.  I — I — really — 
1  have  been  outrageously  deceived  !  Do  you  actually 
mean  to  tell  me  that  you  saw  Mrs.  Stevenson  up-stairs? 

Barker.  Yes,  ma'ani,  I  did.  {Whistling  heard.  Bar- 
ker looks  relieved.)     Ah,  that  is  Mr.  Stevenson. 

Mrs.  Heckford.    Then  you  had  better  see  him  first, 


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while  I  go  and  investigate  matters.  If  I  were  to  see  him 
now,  there  might  be — well,  remarks  made  which  it  would 
be  better  for  you  not  to  hear.  I  shall  have  a  few  things  to 
say  to  Mr.  Gilbert  Stevenson. 

[Exit  hastily,  l.) 

Barker.  Thunder  and  smoke  I  (^Stares  after  her  in 
astonishment.)  What  a  blowing  up  to  give  a  poor  fellow 
just  fer  doin'  'is  duty.  Queer  old  party  1  Wonder  'oo 
she  is  ! 

(^Enter  Gilbert.) 

Gilbert.    Well,  Barker,  have  you  collared  your  man  ? 

Barker.  No,  sir.  *E's  give  me  the  slip  some'ovv.  But 
I'd  best  lose  no  time  if  I'm  to  track  'im,  sir.  [Moves  to- 
ward door.') 

Gilbert.  Oh,  all  right.  I  thought  you  wouldn't  find 
him  here.    Good- afternoon. 

{Drops  into  easy  chair,  and  lights  cigarette.) 

Barker.    Good-afternoon,  sir.    (^Exit  c.) 

Gilbert.  So  Jim  has  escaped  detection.  Lucky  beggar  ! 
Wish  1  could  escape  from  my  amiable  mother-in-law's  de- 
lightful society.  What  in  thunder  brought  the  old  lady  to 
town  to-day?  Have  I  got  to  put  up  with  her — alone — for  a 
month  ?    A  month  !    Good  heavens  ! 

{Leans  elbow  on  arm  of  chair  and  buries  his  face.  Enter 
Mrs.  Heckford,  l.) 

Mrs.  Heckford  {nienacingly).  Gilbert  Radcliffe  Mon- 
tague Stevenson  ! 

Gilbert  {starting  tip).  Hallo  !  I  didn't  know  you 
were  there  ! 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Then  it's  time  you  did  know  !  And 
it's  also  time  you  realized,  Gilbert,  that  I  am  not  a  woman 
to  be  trifled  with  !  You  have  deceived  me,  outrageously 
deceived  me  !  (Gilbert  tosses  aside  cigarette  luith  a  re- 
sig?ied  air,  and  stands  with  folded  hands,  looking  at  her.) 
How  dare  you  lie  to  me, — me,  your  wife's  own  mother  ? 
How  dare  you,  sir,  tell  me  that  Alice  is  away  from  home, 
when  she  is  here — here,  Gilbert,  in  this  very  house  ?  Is 
this  a  plot  to  part  me  from  my  child?  To  


A  PACKET   FOR  POPSY 


Gilbert  {interrupting).  Oh,  come,  I  say,  draw  it 
mild. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Is  that  the  proper  way  to  address  me? 
Another  insult  on  the  top  of  all  this  

Gilbert.  Look  here,  if  you  would  give  me  time,  I'd  ex- 
plain. (Mrs.  Heckford  makes  a  movement  to  retort,  but 
Gilbert  eontinues.)  I  told  you  Alice  was  away,  and  she  is 
away.  What  reason  you  have  for  supposing  her  to  be  at 
home,  heaven  only  knows.    I'm  sure  I  don't. 

Mrs.  Heckford.    The  policeman  saw  her  ! 

Gilbert.    What?  Barker? 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Yes,  Gilbert  Stevenson,  Barker,  if  that 
is  his  name.  He  seems  a  very  honest  sort  of  person,  which 
is  more  than  I  can  say  of  some  others  I  know. 

(Gilbert  /ooks  puzzled,  then  he  drops  into  a  chair ^  shaking 
with  laughter.) 

Gilbert.    Oh,  I  say,  this  is  rich,  this  is  ! 

(Mrs.  Heckford  looks  at  him  in  angry  indignation ^  while 
Gilbert  continues  to  laugh.  Enter  James  dressed  as  a 
woman,  with  wig,  etc.) 

James.    I  say,  Gilbert,  old  chap,  the  only  things  I  could 

find   {Sees  Mrs.  Heckford.)    I  beg  your  pardon,  I 

thought  Mr.  Stevenson  was  alone. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Alone,  did  you  ?  Alone  ?  You 
thought  Mr.  Stevenson  was  alone?  Then  he's  not,  he's 
not,  1  tell  you.  And  I'd  like  to  know  what  you  want,  com- 
ing to  see  Mr.  Stevenson  alone.  Have  you  no  maidenly 
modesty,  you  hussy,  that  you  are  so  familiar  with  a  married 
man,  calling  him  by  his  Christian  name,  and  walking  into 
his  private  room  as  if  you  were  in  the  habit  of  doing  so? 
Perhaps  you  don't  realize  that  Mr.  Stevenson  is  a  married 
man  !  Perhaps  you  don't  realize  that  I  am  his  mother-in- 
law  ! 

James  (^folding  his  arms,  and  regarding  her  quizzically). 
So  you  are  Gilbert  Stevenson's  mother-in-law,  are  you? 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Mr.  Gilbert  Stevenson,  young  woman, 
if  you  please.  Now,  Gilbert,  I  should  like  to  know  how 
you  explain  the  presence  of  this — female  ! 

Gilbert.    To  tell  you  the  truth   (James  holds  up  a 


0.  C.  ILL  LiB. 


12 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


warning  hand.)  She — she  is  a  friend  of  mine.  She  didn't 
know  Alice  was  away,  did  you,  Jem  ? 

James  (^mischievously).  Oh,  indeed  I  did.  That's  why 
I  came. 

(Gilbert  scowls  at  him,  shaking  his  Jisi.) 

Mrs.  Heckford  {excitedly).  You  came  here,  knowing 
that  Ahce  was  away  ?  Really,  my  feelings  are — are  beyond 
expression.  But  I  might  have  known  it,  I  might  have 
known  it.  You  look  bold  enough  for  anything.  {Sud- 
denly.) Is  this  the  creature  that  Barker  saw  up-stairs,  the — 
the  person  he  mistook  for  Mrs.  Stevenson  ?  Is  it  possible, 
Gilbert,  that  this — this  female  actually  passed  herself  off  as 
your  wife,  as  my  dear  daughter  Alice,  as  my  child  ?  Is 
that  why  you  were  laughing  just  now,  because  you  knew 
she  was  here,  allowing  Barker  to  believe  that  she  was  the 
mistress  of  the  house,  in  that  outrageous  manner  ?  Is  this 
the  sort  of  thing  that  goes  on  when  that  poor  girl  is  away  ? 
Is  this  how  you  take  advantage  of  her  absence?  {As 
Gilbert  moves.)  No,  Gilbert,  I  will  hear  no  excuses;  for 
such  conduct  there  can  be  no  excuse  ! 

James.    Madame,  if  you  will  allow  me  

Mrs.  Heckford.  Pray  who  asked  you  to  speak  ?  Gil- 
bert, what  did  you  say  was  the  name  of  this  young  woman  ? 
Jem  ?  Ridiculous  name  I  Short  for  Jemima,  I  suppose. 
Well  then,  Jemima,  if  you  consult  my  opinion,  you  will  put 
on  your  hat,  and  leave  this  house  at  once. 

James  [making  a  7novement  as  if  to  embi^ace  Gilbert  who 
pushes  him  aside,  scowling).  Dear  Gilbert,  don't  let  her 
send  me  away. 

Gilbert  {to  James).  Now,  look  here,  none  of  that ! 
{To  Mrs.  Heckford.)  Surely  the  master  of  a  house  is 
allowed  to  entertain  his  friends  at  his  own  discretion  ?  I 
believe  I  am  the  master  of  this  house  ! 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Of  course  !  I  knew  it !  I  venture  a 
suggestion,  a  simple  suggestion,  and  you  flare  up  and  tell  me 
you  are  the  master  of  the  house  !  And  this  is  the  man  my 
l)oor  darling  married  I  Ah,  poor  child,  innocently  enjoying 
her  little  holiday  while  you,  her  husband,  are  taking  advan- 
tage of  her  absence  to  entertain  this  female.  And  you  actually 
allow  her  to  call  you  ^Mear"?  And  to  appeal  to  you  in 
that  scandalous  fashion?  Gilbert,  I  congratulate  myself 
upun  my  timely  arrival.    Little  did  I  dream  that  I  was  com- 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


13 


ing  to  this.  (Sharply.)  Has  my  trunk  been  taken  up- 
stairs? 

Gilbert.  Yes,  I  saw  to  that  myself.  You  would  like  to 
go  and  take  off  your  bonnet,  perhaps,  and  rest  a  little  ? 

(^Prepares  to  open  door  for  her,) 

Mrs.  Heckford.  No,  young  man,  you  don't  take  me  in. 
Want  to  get  me  up-stairs  out  of  the  way,  do  you  ?  Want  to 
have  a  tete-a-tete  with  this  Jemima,  do  you  ?  No,  I  shall 
not  leave  you  alone.  My  bonnet  can  remain  where  it  is, 
thank  you.  As  for  resting,  I'll  have  rest  enough  when  this 
female  has  gone.  But  I  do  think,  Gilbert,  I  do  think,  that 
considering  I've  had  a  whole  hour's  journey  to  town,  you 
might  have  offered  me  a  little  refreshment. 

Gilbert.  I  beg  your  pardon.  I'm  awfully  sorry.  I'll 
ring  for  some  tea.    {Moves  toward  bell.) 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Tea  ?  No,  thank  you  !  That's  so 
like  you,  Gilbert,  to  give  me  no  choice.  Do  you  suppose 
that  you  can  order  what  I  am  to  drink,  even  though  you  are 
the  master  of  the  house  ?  Tea  I  As  if  all  this  undue  ex- 
citement hadn't  made  me  sufficiently  hot  !  And  then  you 
suggest  tea  ! 

Gilbert.  I'm  extremely  sorry.  Perhaps  a  glass  of  water 
would  be  more  cooling. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Water  ?  Water  indeed  !  You  offer 
me  a  glass  of  water  for  my  refreshment  ?    Well,  Gilbert  ! 

James,  Gilbert  has  some  remarkably  good  cherry-bounce, 
you  know.  Would  you  like  to  try  it?  Tell  you  the  truth, 
old  boy,  I  wouldn't  object  to  a  drop  myself.  It  would  do 
my  cold  good.  You  must  have  noticed,  Gilbert,  how 
rough  my  voice  is.  {To  Mrs.  Heckford.)  My  throat 
has  been  so  bad.    The  cold  has  quite  altered  my  voice. 

{Seats  himself  on  corner  of  table.) 

Mrs.  Heckford  {as  Gilbert  moves  toivard  cupboard). 
I  will  not  allow  it  I  I  never  heard  of  such  scandalous  be- 
havior !  Do  you  consider  it  proper,  young  woman,  for  you 
to  come  and  drink  cherry-bounce  in  the  house  of  a  married 
man  when  his  wife  is  away  ?  Cold,  indeed  !  Nice  excuse, 
that  is  !  (Gilbert  produces  glasses  and  decanter  from  cup- 
board.) Gilbert,  I  must  insist  on  your  refusing  this  per- 
son's outrageous  request. 


14 


A  PACKET  FOR  l>OPsY 


Gilbert.  My  dear  Mrs.  Heckford,  1  really  cannot  re- 
fuse.   1  owe  it  to  my  reputation  as  a  host. 

(James  pours  out  a  glassful.^ 

James  (to  Mrs.  Heckford).  Will  you  have  some  ?  No  ? 
Then,  madame,  I  have  the  honor  to  drink  your  health. 
(^Drinks. ) 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Don't  dare  to  drink  my  health,  you — 
you — you  

Gilbert.  Mrs.  Heckford,  I  cannot  submit  to  having  my 
guests  treated  in  this  manner. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Of  course  !  That's  just  like  you,  Gil- 
bert. Preferring  a  mere  guest,  an  interloper,  a  young — 
creature  like  this,  to  your  own  mother-in-law. 

James.  Come,  now,  don't  get  upset.  Gilbert  isn't  used 
to  being  scolded,  you  know.  Alice  never  scolds  him,  and 
as  for  me,  I'm  far  too  fond  of  him  ever  to  think  of  such  a 
thing.  Gilbert's  too  confoundedly  nice  to  be  scolded,  aren't 
you,  old  boy?  Got  a  cigarette  about  you,  dear?  (Mrs. 
Heckford 

Gilbert  {retreating).  No,  look  here,  you'd  better 
not  

James  (^taking  cigarette  case  and  match-box  from  Gil- 
bert's pocket).  Why  not  ?  Unless  our  friend  here  objects  ? 
{^Lights  cigarette  and  begins  to  smoJze.)  I  trust  you  do  not 
object  to  smoking,  madame?  For  my  part,  I  always  find  it 
a  great  soother  for  the  nerves.  (Gilbert  frotvns.)  But 
perhaps  {sweetly)  you  are  not  troubled  with  nerves.  What 
a  blessing  it  would  be  to  all  us  women  if  we  had  none  !  I 
am  a  great  sufferer  from  nerves.     (  Continues  smoking.) 

Mrs.  Heckford.  This  surpasses  everything !  There 
are  no  words  in  the  English  language  strong  enough  to  ex- 
press what  I  feel — nor  even  a  quarter  of  what  I  feel.  But 
this  shall  go  on  no  longer  if  1  can  help  it.  I  shall  write  for 
Alice  to  return  immediately.  {Opens  writing  desk.)  No 
paper  handy,  of  course.  {Opens  dra^ver^  sees  packet.)  Eh, 
what's  this?  {Takes  it  out.)  '^To  my  precious  little 
Popsy."  (Wheels  round,  facing  Gilbert.)  Where  did 
you  get  this  ? 

Gilbert.  That  ?  I  know  nothing  about  it,  except  that 
it  certainly  isn't  mine. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  No,  it  certainly  is  not.  On  the  con- 
trary, Gilbert  Stevenson,  it  belongs  to  me  ! 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


15 


Gilbert       utter  amazeDtent^.  You? 
James.    Good  heavens  ! 

Gilbert.    It  can't  be  yours.    It's  not  addressed  to  you. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Yes,  it  is.  He  always  calls  me  Popsy. 
Besides,  it's  his  writing. 

Gilbert,    Whose  writing  ?    Do  pray  explain  yourself. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  As  if  I  weren't  explaining  fast  enough. 
Do  cultivate  a  little  patience,  Gilbert,  and  allow  me  to  ex- 
plain in  my  own  way.  You  put  me  off  so.  I  really  don't 
know  what  I  was  saying. 

Gilbert.    I  want  to  know  whose  writing  it  is. 

Mrs.  Heckford.    It's — it's  from  a  gentleman  I  know 

very  well — although  I  must  say  I  am   I  think  I  will  go 

up  to  my  room  now,  and  I  will  take  this  with  me.  After- 
ward I  shall  require  some  explanation  as  to  how  it  came  into 
your  possession,  Gilbert  Stevenson.  And  as  for  you,  Jemima, 
just  let  me  catch  you  here  when  I  return.  {^Exit,) 

(Gilbert  and  James  stare  at  each  other ^  then  burst  out 
laughing. ) 

Gilbert.  I  declare  I'd  forgotten  all  about  that  packet. 
We  are  getting  into  a  nice  mess,  we  are.  What  on  earth 
possessed  you  to  choose  those,  of  all  garments  ? 

James.  My  dear  fellow,  I  had  no  choice.  They  were 
the  first  things  I  came  to,  and  I  hadn't  much  time.  I  did 
bless  my  lucky  star,  though,  I  can  tell  you,  when  I  found 
this  wig.    Where  on  earth  did  you  get  it  ? 

Gilbert.  Oh,  we  had  it  in  some  private  theatricals  not 
long  ago.  (^He  looks  rt:/ James,  laughing.^  It  makes  your 
disguise  absolutely  complete.    And  Barker  never  suspected  ? 

James.  Not  in  the  least.  It  was  the  biggest  lark  I  ever 
had.  To  tell  you  the  truth,  I'm  thoroughly  enjoying  my- 
self, but  I'm  afraid  I've  rather  scandalized  your  dear  mother- 
in-law,  my  boy. 

Gilbert.  I'm  afraid  you  have.  Don't  go  too  far,  for 
goodness'  sake,  or  you'll  land  me  into  a  nice  hole.  You've 
given  her  a  fine  opinion  of  me. 

James.  Oh,  she'll  forgive  you  all  right  when  you  ex- 
plain. What  I  want  to  understand  is  this  Popsy  business. 
It  looks  quite  tender.  Can  she  be  going  to  marry  the  old 
gentleman  I  robbed  ? 

Gilbert.    Looks  like  it.    Hallo  ! 


i6 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


{K7wck.    Enter  Barker.) 

Barker.  Begging  your  pardon,  ma'am,  I've  been  told 
for  certain  as  my  man  is  in  this  'ouse.  And  the  maid,  sir, 
as  was  talking  to  me  on  the  area  steps,  says  she  saw  some 
one  up-stairs  as  didn't  strictly  belong  'ere. 

James.  What?  That  horrid  pickpocket  still  in  the 
house?  Oh,  Gilbert,  I  feel  so  frightened.  I  can't  bear  to 
think  he's  here  still. 

(guides  face  on  Gilbert's  shoulde7\  G\i.b^wt,  f^^owning, 
shakes  him  off  impatiently,  then,  as  Barker  looks  at 
them,  he  puts  his  hand  on  James's  shoulder.^ 

Gilbert.  Don't  worry  yourself,  my  dear.  I've  no  doubt 
Barker  will  have  him  yet.  In  any  case,  I — I  am  here  to 
protect  you. 

James  {clifiging  to  hint).  Darling  Gilbert,  how  brave 
you  are.    I  shan't  be  frightened  if  you  are  here. 

(Gilbert  glares  at  him,  but  sets  his  teeth.) 

Barker.  Missis  a  bit  nervous,  ain't  she?  But  I'll  soon 
'ave  'im  safe,  see  if  I  don't.  The  maid,  she  said  it  was  a 
woman  she  seed,  but  there  *ave  been  known  cases  where  a 
man  'as  disguised  'isself  in  female  clothes.  And  this  feller 
may  'ave  done  the  same. 

James.  Oh,  Gilbert !  !  Perhaps  he  has  borrowed  some 
of  my  clothes;  the  horrid,  horrid  man  !    Oh,  oh,  oh  ! 

{Shudders,  and  again  hides  face  on  Gilbert's  shoulder, 
Gilbert  scowls  furiously,  but  controls  himself.^ 

Barker.  If  it's  no  offense  to  you,  ma'am,  nor  to  Mr. 
Stevenson,  I'd  like  to  search  the  'ouse  again. 

Gilbert.  But  I  don't  know  that  I  care  about  having  the 
house  searched  so  often.    You  have  been  all  over  it  once. 

Barker.  Not  quite,  sir.  There  was  the  spare  room  as  I 
didn't  go  into,  which  I  should  like  to  'ave  a  look  through, 
to  make  sure  'e  ain't  there. 

James.  Do  let  him  go,  Gilbert.  I  shan't  feel  easy  till 
that  wretched  man  is  found.  I — I  don't  like  the  idea  of  his 
being  here  at  all. 

Barker.  No,  ma'am,  and  I  don't  blame  you.  'E  must 
be  caught,  for  I've  'ad  word  from  the  old  gentleman  as  was 
robbed,  that  'e  took  somethink  walable.    A  small  packet 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


»7 


containing  jewelry,  ma'am,  addressed   (Smiles  behind 

his  hand?) 

James.     Well  ? 

Barker.  Begging  your  pardon,  ma'am,  for  larfing.  It 
was  addressed  to  my  precious  little  Popsy."  And  it  con- 
tained a  gold  locket,  'eart- shaped,  with  a  lady's  monogram 
in  pearls.  Inside  was  a  photygraph  of  the  old  gentleman, 
and  a  lock  of  'is  'air.  (Smiles  agaiji,  as  do  Gilbert  and 
James  at  each  other.)  'E  didn't  seem  to  want  to  give  de- 
tails, sir,  but  I  told  'im  a  ackkyrate  description  was  neces- 
sary. And  if  you'll  excuse  me,  ma'am,  I'll  just  get  this  bit 
o'  work  over. 

Jam£S.  And  please  be  as  quick  as  you  can.  I'm  so 
nervous  about  thieves.    (Exit  Barker.)    Hal-lo,  Gilbert ! 

Gilbert.  I  say,  you  know,  it's  rather  too  bad  of  you  to 
make  such  a  fool  of  me  before  that  fellow. 

James.  My  dear  boy,  don't  you  see  that  it  was  the  best 
possible  way  of  putting  him  off  the  scent?  He  certainly 
can't  suspect  me  now.    (Suddenly.)    But  I  say, — Gilbert! 

Gilbert.  Well? 

James.  Your  mother-in-law  is  in  the  spare  room,  and 
she's  got  that  packet  with  her. 

Gilbert.  She'll  let  him  know  who  she  is  fast  enough. 
I'd  trust  her  for  that. 

James.  I  wouldn't  be  in  Barker's  shoes,  though,  if  he 
does  make  a  mistake.  For  his  own  sake  let's  hope  he  won't. 
And  for  my  sake  I  hope  Mrs.  Heckford  won't  come  down 
again  till  he  goes.    It'll  be  rather  rough  on  me  if  slie  does. 

Gilbert.  It  will,  by  Jove  !  I  can't  go  on  admitting  to 
Barker  that  you  are  my  wife,  before  my  own  mother-in-law. 

James  (ruefully).  It — it  isn't  quite  so  funny  as  I  thought 
it  was.    I  wish  to  goodness  I  were  somewhere  else. 

Gilbert.  Look  here,  I'll  go  and  see  if  the  coast's  clear, 
and  if  so,  you  can  slip  up  to  my  room,  change  your  rig,  and 
*'git." 

James.    And  in  the  meantime  ? 

Gilbert.  Oh,  you'll  be  all  right.  Barker  won't  return 
for  a  few  minutes,  and  even  if  he  does,  you'll  have  no  dif- 
ficulty in  keeping  up  your  character  with  him  (laughs),  after 
the  way  you've  carried  on.  (Exit.) 

James  (as  Gilbert  goes).  But  suppose  Mrs.  Heck- 
ford   Oh,  I  say,  he  needn't  have  been  in  such  a  hurry. 

(Sits  on  table,  looking  worried.)    Trapped,  trapped,  that's 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


what  I  am!    Suppose  bis  mother-in-law  tells  Barker  • 

{Screams  heard.')  Hallo  !  {Springing  ///. )  He  has  never 
gone  and  arrested  her!  (More  screams.)  Does  Barker 
actually  believe  that  Mrs.  Heckford  is  the  thief  in  disguise? 
{Slaps  thigh.)  Then,  by  Jove,  Til  let  him  think  so,  and  pay 
the  old  lady  out  for  some  of  her  kind  remarks  to  me.  {En- 
ter Mrs.  Heckford  and  Barker.)  What?  Is  this  your 
man  ?  Oh,  how  thankful  I  am  that  you  have  caught  him  at 
last  I    But  who  would  have  thought  it  ? 

Mrs.  Heckford  {not  heedi?ig  ]amy.s).  You  villain,  how 
dare  you  ?    It's  mine,  I  tell  you,  mine  I    I  am  Popsy. 

Barker  {Jiolding  opefi  packet  to7vard  James).  I  found 
this  'ere  parcel  in  the  possession  of  this — this  person,  ma'am, 
in  the  spare  room. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  This  person  !  Gilbert,  how  can  you 
stand  there  and  hear  me  called  a  person  ?  Gilbert  !  {Looks 
round.)    Why,  where  is  he? 

James.  He  is  not  here,  madame, — or  should  I  say  sir? — 
and  that  is  all  I  can  tell  you  as  to  his  whereabouts.  {Sweetly.) 
Do  you  wish  to  see  him? 

Mrs.  Heckford.  What?  Hasn't  that  female  gone  yet ? 
Your  conduct,  miss,  strikes  me  as  being  somewhat  suspicious. 
{To  Barker.)  My  good  man,  I  shouldn't  vC^onder  if  this 
creature  were  the  man  you  are  after. 

James.  Hallo,  I  like  that  !  {Laughs.)  My  dear  ma- 
dame, or  sir,  do  you  know  whom  you  are  addressing  ? 

Barker.  This  lady  is  Mrs.  Stevenson.  So  you're  a  bit 
off  your  calculation  to  pretend  as  she's  the  one  I'm  after. 
None  o'  your  little  tricks  with  me,  my  good  fellow  ! 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Good  fellow  ?  Good  fellow,  did  you 
say?  What  right  have  you  to  address  me  in  this  manner? 
What  right  had  you  to  come  into  my  room  and  forcibly — I 
say  forcibly  

Barker.  Pardon  me,  madame,  there  was  no  force  used. 
I  was  but  doin'  me  duty  and  I  didn't  do  it  forcible. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Will  you  allow  me  to  speak,  or  will 
you  not?  I  say  forcibly.  You  forcibly  took  these  things 
from  me,  and  they  are  mine.  Mine,  I  tell  you.  {Tries  to 
take  packet.) 

Barker.  Not  so  fast,  not  so  fast.  We'll  see  'oothey  be- 
longs to  when  we  gits  you  afore  the  old  gentleman  they  was 
took  from.     Mrs.  Stevenson,  ma'am  

Mrs.  Heckford  {ijiterrupting).    She  is  not  Mrs.  Steven- 


A   PACKET   FOR  POPSY 


19 


son.  Do  you  dare  to  insinuate  that  such  a  creature  could 
be  my  child  ?  I  tell  you  I  am  Mr.  Stevenson's  mother-in- 
law,  and  surely  I  ought  to  know  my  own  daughter.  1  tell 
you  she  is  not  Mrs.  Stevenson,  and  a  more  impudent  hussy 
it  has  never  been  my  lot  to  meet. 

James.  You're  a  fine  actor,  my  man.  But  your  denial 
of  my  identity  can  only  count  against  you,  I  assure  you,  and 
I  strongly  advise  you  to  keep  calm.  Great  agitation,  you 
know,  can  only  detract  from  your  appearance,  though  I 
must  say  that  considering  you  are  in  disguise  you  really  look 
very  creditable.  You  seem  to  have  had  no  hesitation  in  help- 
ing yourself  to  other  people's  garments.  (^Comes  suddenly 
nearer.)  Barker  !  This — this  person  has  actually  appro- 
priated my  best  bonnet  ! 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Your  best  bonnet !  I  paid  fifteen 
dollars  for  it  myself  not  three  weeks  ago.  I  

James  (^interrupting).  Come,  come  !  Think  what  you 
are  saying.  No  tarradiddles  to  me,  if  you  please.  It's  a 
bit  too  much  for  you  to  lay  claim  to  my  clothes  in  that  as- 
sertive fashion.  (Mrs.  Heckford  makes  a  movement  as  if 
to  speak,  but  James  continues.)  Barker,  Mr.  Stevenson  will 
be  back  directly,  but  in  the  meantime  will  you  kindly  sum 
up  the  evidence  against  this — ah  ! — person? 

Mrs.  Heckford  {as  Barker  moves  to  reply).  I  repeat 
that  I  am  Gilbert  Stevenson's  mother-in-law.  How  dare 
you  address  me  as  if  I  were  a  common  thief?  Pray  call 
Mr.  Stevenson  at  once,  or  I  will.    {Moves  toward  door.) 

Barker  (^putting  his  back  against  it).  No  you  don't,  my 
fine  fellow.  Mr.  Stevenson  '11  be  'ere  time  enough.  The 
evidence,  ma'am  

Mrs.  Heckford  {interrupting).  I  tell  you  I  am  his 
mother-in-law  ! 

James.  Keep  calm,  keep  calm.  (7^?  Barker.)  A  little 
wanting,  perhaps.  A  slight  mental  delusion,  which  perhaps 
may  account  for  the  theft.  {To  Mrs.  Heckford.)  No, 
you  really  must  not  interrupt  so  often.  It  is  far  better  for 
you  to  keep  calm.    (T^^^  Barker.)    Pray  continue  ! 

Barker.  You  see,  ma'am,  I  met  this — this  person  afore, 
alone  in  this  room,  and  'er  talk  struck  me  as  bein'  ^  bit 
queer,  likewise  the  'aste  she  showed  in  takin'  herself  off 
when  we  'eard  Mr.  Stevenson  comin'.  I  didn't  search  the 
spare  room  the  first  time  I  came,  bein'  as  Mr.  Stevenson 
said  'e  'ad  a  friend  there^  but  the  second  time  I  found  thi§ 


20 


A   PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


— person  with  this  *ere  {Jiolding  out  packet)  j  and  I  drew  the 
only  natural  conclusions.  Of  course  if  you  tell  me,  ma'am, 
as  this — lady — is  the  friend  Mr.  Stevenson  meant,  which 
don't  look  probable  on  the  face  of  it,  I'll  own  my  mis- 
take. 

James.  Do  you  think  it  possible.  Barker,  that  Mr.  Ste- 
venson could  be  on  friendly  terms  with  this — female?  Or 
that  he  would  dare  to  entertain  in  my  house  a — er — a  lady 
unknown  to  me  ?  Certainly  this  is  not  the  person  he  meant. 
His  friend  has — er — gone  out. 

Mrs.  Heckfurd.  How  dare  you  make  such  outrageous 
statements,  such  

James  (interrupting  coolly  to  Barker).  And  how  does 
this — ah  ! — person  defend  ha — or  his — statement  as  to  the 
ownership  of  die  packet  ? 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Do  you  think  I  would  demean  myself 
by  giving  any  explanation  to  you,  you  hussy?  Do  you 
dare  to  say  that  I  am  not  on  friendly  terms  with  my  own 
son-in-law?  Do  you  dare  to  call  me  a  female?  (Quivers 
zuith  rage?)  Do  you  dare  to  stand  by  and  calmly  admit 
these  outrageous  falsehoods  against  me  ?  Here  am  I,  ar- 
rested in  my  own  daughter's  house  as  a  common  thief!  I 
tell  you  {to  Barker),  I  am  Mrs.  Heckford,  soon  to  become 
Mrs.  Fowler.  That  locket  is  a  present  to  me  from  Mr. 
Fowler.  The  letter  inside  will  prove  it,  or  the  gentleman 
himself  will. 

Barker.  Wait  a  bit  now.  The  gentleman's  name  is 
Fowler,  sure  as  anything.  Mrs.  Stevenson,  please  ma'am,  I 
wish  I  could  see  your  'usband. 

James.  Yes,  his  presence  would  certainly  throw  some 
light  on  the  subject,  one  way  or  the  other.  I'll  ask  him 
to  come  in.  It's  a  curious  affair.  Barker,  very  curious. 
(Exit?) 

Mrs.  Heckford  {excitedly).  That's  your  man,  I'm  sure 
of  it.    She  is  no  more  Mrs.  Stevenson  than  I  am. 

Barker.  I  ain't  agoin'  to  be  put  off  onto  no  false  tracks 
by  you,  my  man,  till  Mr.  Stevenson  'as  proved  'oo  you 
are.  You  'old  your  'orses  till  'e  comes.  You  can  tell 
your  little  fairy  tale  to  the  magistrate,  but  you  don't  bluff 
me.    No,  sir ! 

Mrs.    Heckford.    You    impudent,   vulgar,  obnoxious 

scoundrel  !    You — you — you  

Barker.    Same  to  you,  my  fine  fellow,  same  to  you.  I 


A   PACKET   FOR  POPSY 


21 


admires  your  vocabulary,  I  do  indeed  !  (Mrs.  Heckford 
moves  toward  door. ^  No,  if  you  please;  you  stay  where 
you  are.     You  don't  stir  out  o'  this  room  till  I  takes  you. 

Mrs.  Heckforu.    Wait  till  nay  son-in-law  comes  ! 

Barker.  Oh,  I'll  wait  all  right.  I'na  in  no  'urry. 
{Enter  Gilbert.)  I've  got  'im,  Mr.  Stevenson,  but  'e's  a 
'andful,  1  can  tell  you. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Gilbert  1  He  has  insulted  me  beyond 
pardon.  He— he  has  agitated  me  so  that  I  hardly  know 
what  I'm  saying.    Tell  him  who  I  am. 

Gilbert.  Surely,  Barker,  you  have  not  mistaken  my 
mother-in-law  for  a — a  pickpocket  ? 

Barker  (agitated).  Mr.  Stevenson,  you— you  don't 
mean  to  tell  me  as  this — this — this  lady  'as  bin  tellin'  me 
the  truth,  sir  ? 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Truth?  I  should  hke  to  know  what 
else  I've  been  telling  you.  Now  I  hope  you'll  believe  me  ! 
Now  I  hope  you're  sorry  you  didn't  take  my  advice  and  ar- 
rest the  real  thief.  That  creature,  whom  you  insulted  me 
by  supposing  to  be  my  daughter,  Mrs.  Stevenson,  is  now,  I 
presume,  safely  out  of  your  reach,  owing  to  your  unpardon- 
able stupidity. 

Barker  (Jo  Gilbert).  But  surely,  sir,  that  lady  is  your 
wife  ? 

Gilbert.  My  wife  is  away  from  home.  That — person 
is  a  friend  of  mine,  Mr.  James  Ashley,  who  disguised  him- 
self to  put  you  off  the  track.  No,  Barker,  it's  no  use  going 
after  him  now.    Let  me  explain. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  And  you  actually  mean  to  tell  me, 
Gilbert,  that  a  pickpocket  passed  himself  off  as  your  wife, 
and  that  you  allowed  it  ?    Well,  I  must  say  ! 

Gilbert.  Pray  let  me  explain.  Mr.  Ashley  was  dared 
by  a  friend  to  pick  the  pocket  of  an  old  gentleman  whom 
both  mistook  to  be  my  friend's  uncle.  He  discovered  his 
error  too  late,  and  ran  for  it,  with  you,  Barker,  after  him. 
He  took  refuge  in  this  house,  disguised  himself  in  the 
clothes  you  saw,  and  meeting  you  up-stairs  and  being  mis- 
taken for  Mrs.  Stevenson,  passed  himself  off  as  my  wife. 
He  could  scarcely  have  done  otherwise  under  the  circum- 
stances. The  packet  I  hid  for  him,  while  you  searched,  in 
the  writing-table  drawer,  where  it  was  discovered  by  my 
mother-in-law,  who  claims  it  as  hers. 

Mrs.  Heckford.    It  is  mine.    I  tell  you  I  am  engaged 


22 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


to  be  married  to  Mr.  Henry  Fowler,  the  gentleman  from 
whom  it  was  stolen.  The  truth  of  my  statement  can  very 
easily  be  proved.  And  I  may  as  well  tell  you,  Gilbert,  that 
in  the  letter  which  was  round  the  box,  my  dear  Wopsy  (I 
— I — call  him  Wopsy),  says  he  cannot  wait  any  longer. 
We  shall  announce  our  engagement  at  once,  and  the  wed- 
ding is  to  take  place  in  three  weeks.  So  I  shall  have  to  return 
home  immediately.  I  am  sorry,  my  dear  Gilbert,  to  disap- 
point you  of  my  visit,  but  you  see  {coquettishly)^  Wopsy 
won't  wait. 

Gilbert.  Of  course,  I  quite  understand.  Pray  accept 
my  heartiest  congratulations.  As  for  you,  Barker,  I  sup- 
pose you  will  be  obliged  to  return  the  packet  to  Mr. 
Fowler. 

Barker.  Yes,  sir,  I  shall  do  so  at  once.  And  about 
the  young  gentleman  as  robbed  'im  

Gilbert.  He  has  gone,  and  I  advise  you  not  to  follow 
him.  You  must  take  my  word  for  it  that  the  whole  thing 
was  a  joke.  If  you  insist  on  trying  to  follow  him,  I  shall  let 
it  be  known  that  you  were  w^ith  him  in  this  very  room,  and 
couldn't  take  him.    So  you  had  better  let  him  alone. 

Barker.  I  will,  sir.  I've  got  the  packet,  which  is  the 
most  important  thing.  And  I  can  only  add,  ma'am  {to 
Mrs.  Heckford),  that  I  begs  your  pardon  for  any  offense 
given.  And  I  'opes  you'll  consider  it  was  only  my  zeal  for 
duty  as  led  me  to  mistake  the  appearance  of  a  lady. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  H'm  !  I  hope  it  will  teach  you  a  les- 
son.   You  had  better  go  now,  my  good  man. 

Barker.  Good-afternoon,  ma'am.  Sorry  to  have  caused 
you  any  inconvenience,  Mr.  Stevenson.  Good-day,  sir. 
{Exit. ) 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Gilbert,  I  am  going  straight  to  Mr. 
Fowler  to  claim  that  locket. 

Gilbert.    Won't  you  wait  for  dinner? 

Mrs.  Heckford.  Dinner,  indeed  ?  As  if  I  cared  for 
nothing  but  eating  !  No,  thank  you.  I  shall  dine  with 
Wopsy.  Good-bye,  Gilbert.  I  am  glad  to  find,  after  all, 
that  you  are  not  given  to  entertaining  stray  females.  But  I 
didn't  really  think  you  such  a  villain,  you  dear  boy. 
There,  you  may  give  me  a  kiss  if  you  like.  (Gilbert  does 
so  in  a  gingerly  fashion.)  Good-bye. 

Gilbert.  Good-bye,  Mrs.  Heckford.  I  hope  the  next 
time  you  come,  it  will  be  pleasanter  for  you.    I  am  sorry  I 


A  PACKET  FOR  POPSY 


23 


had  to  deceive  you  so,  but  you  see  I  was  obliged  to  stand  u[) 
for  Jem, — or  Jemima. 

Mrs.  Heckford.  You  sly  rogue  !  But  don't  apologize, 
dear  boy.  I  feel  so  happy  when  1  think  of  dear  Wopsy  that 
I  can  forgive  anything.  Good-bye,  Gilbert,  dear.  By  the 
way,  you  might  have  my  trunk  sent  to  the  station  for  me. 
It  will  save  me  a  little  trouble,  and  I  shall  leave  for  home 
to-night.  What  an  exciting  afternoon  I've  had  !  Well, 
well,  I  really  must  go.  Good-bye  once  more,  dear  child. 
(Gilbert  opens  door  for  her?) 

Gilbert.  Good-bye.  i^Exit  Mrs.  Heckford.)  Well, 
this  is  the  best  afternoon  I've  had  for  a  long  time  !  The 
next  thing,  I  suppose,  will  be  a  wedding  present  for  mamma- 
in-law  ! 


curtain 


Practical  Elocution 


By  J.  W.  Sh(3Emaker,  A.  M. 
300  pages 
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